Five years. How has it been five years since I last held you? Since the doctors said “I’m sorry, there is nothing more we can do for him” and you passed peacefully in our arms with your brother at our side?
You know, when you went to heaven I actually thought “Well this is it. We’ve filled our quota for bad stuff. It should be easy from here on out.”
Oh how wrong I was.
I’d like to say that after you passed and a short period of grief life was all sunshine and rainbows, but it wasn’t. In fact, in a way, things got worse. For a while we were in a cloud of grief, but also distracted by the joys of taking care of your brother. Then the lies started to creep in, and the feelings of isolation, doubt, and UNWORTHINESS morphed into depression, anxiety, two very broken people and one very broken marriage. It was heavy. Really heavy. So heavy I didn’t think we would ever bounce back.
But you know what son? God has a way of getting into our deepest, darkest, most secret places and shining a light there. After getting on my knees and practically begging Him for a way out, and actually being open to the answer, things started to change. People and resources were placed in our paths, chains were broken, and the seemingly impossible happened: HEALING.
The kind of healing that starts in your soul and radiates outward. The kind of healing only He can provide.
I know you already know this, but I just wanted you to know that I KNOW THIS now. For a long time, I didn’t. Sure I pretended, but deep down, I had a lot of doubts after you left. And questions. And more doubts. But for the last few years now? Everything has changed. And I know that even if the unthinkable were to happen again, that we will be ok, because God.
So thank you my sweet boy. Thank you for being a part of this monumental breakthrough in our lives. I wish every day that you were here, but I am thankful beyond words that God used your short but sweet little life to so radically change mine. I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mom
Michelle says
This is so beautifully expressed with transparency.
I remember being on my knees at the cemetery; one of many times, begging God to “hold my heart”.
I kept asking what He wanted from me.
“You have my attention.” I surrendered.
I love you, Jen. It is the agape love that helps us to live until we are united in Heaven. God does good of all. ❤️🙏🏻
Kim Hitchcock says
This is beautiful Jen